Why this life is misunderstood

My life is utterly a hell ridden place, full of only disappointment and sorrow. I have addiction problems, I have hurt myself many times, and I regret allot of things I have done. This does not mean I intend to end my life, my only intentions are to try and better it. Do not get me wrong, there are some things that I love in this world ( but only a few of them are not in my imagination), really I think that I am on the border line of being sane and insanity. Not only because of my addictions, but the tough things I have overcame. I have no idea in my mind why, but I love the things I should hate. Like my lover, my ex lover, the drugs, and the pain. The pain from being rejected, forgotten, and having my heart torn into millions of sharp, rusted, pieces. I hate the things I should love, like family, close friends, God, and the brightness of the summer days that I have spent in my closet whispering to my self " Everything will be alright." when no one else would even attempt to love, or care about me enough to say those things to me. But th one thing that I will never love is myself. I have tried so many times but I can"t, I can't because I have no reason to.